Here's a fresh batch of jokes for ya. some of em needs some reading to do, but it'll be worth it. lol
All these jokes are from the Funny Jokes App on my G1 phone. Oh, and there's one from a DA member's signature that I thought was hilarious.

Let's begin with a prayer.
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my wife, Patience to deal with her moods, and Love to forgive her... but please don't give me Strength.. because I'm afraid I'll beat the crap out of her. Amen.


Chuck Norris can make Miley Cyrus party in Mexico.


Sex is not the answer... Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.


After dying, 3 people are asked a question in heaven, "when you're lying in your casket, and your friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The 1st guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the greatest doctors of my time and a great family man." The 2nd guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband and a school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow." The last guy thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!!!'"


God: What's wrong, Adam? you seem sad.
Adam: Well God, I'm lonely.
God: I see. In that case I shall make you a companion who shall be called a woman. she shall pleasure you at all times, cook the best meals for you, never argue, bear your children, never question you, and make passionate love to you whenever you please.
Adam: Great! How much will this cost me?
God: Well my son, it will cost you an arm and a leg.
Adam: Hmmm I see... so what can I get for a rib..?
The rest is just history.


You know what really makes me smile? ..facial muscles.


Dad: Son, I think it's time we had a chat man to man about cybersex.
Son: Umm... okay dad. What did you want to know?


3 women were having lunch: one married, one engaged, one a mistress. They all decided to give their men a nice surprise and dress up for them. They decided to wear black heels, leather bra, stockings and a mask that covered their eyes. A few days later, they meet up and discuss their ventures. The mistress says, "It was amazing! when he saw me, he whispered that he loved me, then we made love all night long." The engaged woman says, "When my man came home and saw me, he told me that I was the woman of his dreams, then we had a wild night together." The married woman says, "My husband came home, saw me in my stockings, black heels, sexy leather bra and black mask over my eyes and goes, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'"


Lady Teacher: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2 of?
Johnny: legs
Teacher: What is in your pants that you have but I don't have?
Johnny: pockets
Teacher: What do dogs do that a man steps into?
Johnny: pants
Teacher: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious, and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Johnny: coconut
Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Johnny: bubble gum
How many of these questions did YOU answer right?


My doctor told me that 1 out of 3 people who smoke will eventually die. I guess the other 2 becomes immortal.


A bomber runs into a pet store and shouts, "You all have 1 minute to get out before I blow this joint!" The turtle in the back goes "you bastard..."


A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!" She looked puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!" This time she looked a little angry, but she brought him a beer. When he finished, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second!!!" "THAT'S IT!!" Wife exploded. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me, then expect me to run around like your slave!? Don't you realize that I cook, clean, wash, and iron all day long??" The husband sighed, "Crap... it started."


A woman comes home and finds her husband in bed with a midget. She screams, "you promised you wouldn't cheat again!" The husband replies, "for God's sakes woman! can't you see that I'm trying to cut down!?"


God tells Adam, "I've got some good news and some bad news.. The good news is that I've given you a brain and a penis. The bad news.. You only have enough blood to work one of em at a time."


The Patels were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start a family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Patel kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon." Few minutes later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am," he said. "I've come to-" "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Patel cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know that babies are my specialty?" "Well, that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try 2 in the bathtub, 1 on the couch and a couple on the bed. and sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there. Although I must warn you, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "Oh my! That's a lot..!" gasped Mrs. Patel. "Ma'am, in my line of work, a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." "Don't I know it..." said Mrs. Patel. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on top of a bus," he said. "Oh my God!" exclaimed Mrs. Patel. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Patel. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look. and for more than 3 hours too! the mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached, I had to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get started." "A tripod??" "Oh yes, ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held by hand for very long." Mrs. Patel fainted.


I thought of killing myself once. I bought a bottle of whiskey and some pain medication.. But after taking a couple of pills and some shots, I started feeling a hell of a lot better.


A guy shows up for work late and the boss yells, "you should have been here at 8!!" the guy goes "why? what happened at 8?"


Geographical definition of sex: It's an action done by Poland into Holand between Thailand, occasionally with a little help from Greece.


A little girl went up to her mom and asked, "Mom how did the human race appear?" Mom replied, "Well dear, a long time ago, God made Adam and Eve and they had children that started the human race." The little girl then asks her dad the same question and dad answers, "Well, a long time ago, there were these monkeys that evolved into people, and that's how we got here." The little girl ran back to her mom, confused. "Mom, how is it that you say we came from God and dad says we came from monkeys?" Mom replies, "Well sweetie, it's simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your dad told you about his."


A blonde walks into the library and upto the counter. She SLAMS a book down and screams, "This is the WORST book I've ever read! It has NO plot and far too many characters!" The librarian calmly remarks, "So you're the one who took our phone book..."


My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse. then she told me to take off her skirt. then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore.


Consul: your name please?
Saudi: Sheikh Abdul-Aziz
Consul: sex?
Saudi: six time a week.
Consul: i meant, male or female?
Saudi: both male and female, sometimes even camels.
Consul: holy cow...
Saudi: yes, cows and dogs too.
Consul: man, isn't that hostile?
Saudi: horse style, dog style, any style!
Consul: oh dear..!
Saudi: no deer. they run too fast!


Why Men are Happy: We keep our last names. The garage is ours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. We can never be pregnant. We can wear a white shirt to a water park. We can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell us the truth. The world is our urinal. We never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress: $5000, Tux rental: $100. People never stare at our chest when we talk to them. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. We get extra credit for slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite us, they can still be our friend. Our underwear is $8.95 for a 3 pack. Everything on our face stays its original color. We only have to shave neck up. We can wear shorts no matter how our legs look. and finally, One wallet & one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons.


I molested myself last night. I cried "NO!!!" but I knew I wanted it.


A lady walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist for some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license!" Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."


and finally the last of the batch.

My job is so freaking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by telling you about the folks I work with.
First, there's this supermodel wannabe chick. Yeah, okay, she's pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. She is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.
The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless and yet she is here with us. She is a 0 on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers. and I highly suspect she might be a lesbian.
But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the freakin stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. He is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last 10 years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960s, and to make things worse, he brings his big freakin dog to work. Every damn day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King every single freakin day.
Anyway, I drive these tards around in my van and we solve mysteries and sh*t..



All in good fun, my friends. All in good fun.