Joke Journal 2010 - [link]
Joke Journal 2011 - [link]


Update #2 (3/14)

Friend: "This 'Kony 2012' is someting else... I haven't seen this many white people interested in what's going on in Africa since Mufasa died."
Me: "HEY! Too soon for jokes about Mufasa.."
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When I was a kid, I slept with a nightlight... to keep away the monsters that were scared of a small, low-wattage light bulbs.
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Master Yoda, are we going the right way?
"Off course, we are."
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Hey are you an angel? cause... no hold on, is there a mirror in your... crap, wait. Did it hurt when something about heaven... dammit. Just take your pants off.
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Today during dinner, my son had hardly touched his plate and my wife said, "Think of the poor children in Africa," and he replied, "Do they have to eat this shit too?" High-fiving him probably wasn't the best idea..
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Attractive girl: Hi!
Me: ...Is this some kind of sick joke?
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They should name hurricanes with ghetto names. I'd be terrified of hurricane Shanaynay or Laquiqui.
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You like dragons?
Cause in a minute, Imma be dragon these nuts across yo face!
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I have an itch. Scratch that, I had an itch.
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Friend: "Hey! You're blocking the view!"
Me: "I AM the view, BITCH."
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Friend: "Even if I were to be home alone for 12 hours with my TV broken, my Internet down, and my phone dead, I STILL wouldn't do my homework."
Me: "No shit. You got a lot of stuff to fix."
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(-(-(-(-(-_-)-)-)-)-)
Join us.
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(-(-(-(-(-_-)-)-)-)T)
Don't mind Dave... he's going through a divorce.
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\(o(T(°o(-_-)*)_.)  s(°3°)/
I need a new crew...
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When my parents are asleep: Shh, they're asleep..!
When I'm asleep: Let's vacuum the house for 3 hours.
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the best part of waking up... is going right back to sleep for 10 more minutes.
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Isn't it ironic that in the new Karate Kid movie, Jaden Smith was all chilin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool, and shooting some b-ball outside of the school, when a couple of guys, they were up to no good! started makin' trouble in the neighborhood. He got in one little fight and his mom got scared and said "you're gonna learn karate from the maintenance man downstairs."
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I live for 2 reasons.
1) I was born.
2) I haven't died yet.
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(o_o) you ticklish?
(-_-) yeah, why?
(~°_°)~     (/°o°)/ NOOOOOOO~
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There's a little voice in my head saying, "this is a bad idea."
But I can barely hear that voice cause an even louder voice is saying "THIS IS GOING TO BE SO F*CKING COOL"
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One of my coworkers just looked at the clock and decided to call it a day...
which really confused me cause it's definitely called a clock.
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"Backpfeifengesicht" is a German word for a face that badly needs a punch.
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If time is money, does that mean an ATM stands for A Time Machine..??
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Fun Fact: The average human body contains enough bones to make up an entire human skeleton.
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I try to masturbate big words into my sentences, even if I don't know what they mean.
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If Abraham Lincoln was still alive to see what our government has done to our country, he would be 203.
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*Friday* FINALLY!
*blinks*
*Monday* Dafuq!? o_O
*blinks again*
*still Monday* -_- ...



Update #1 (2/14)

If you don't do stupid things while you're young, you'll have nothing to smile about when you're old.
... but you'll probably live to get old.
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My Valentines card:
If you ever get mauled by a bear with chainsaws for hands, I hope he doesn't hit your face... cause I think you're cute.
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Normal people flirting: Hey babe, what's up? ; )
Me flirting: Your face. I like that sh*t.
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Normally, I can't dance to save my life.
After I step in dog crap, I can moonwalk, dougie, and cha cha slide.
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Slut's status: "OMG weekends should be longer than 2 days!"
Nerd's comment: "So should your relationships."
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Slut's status: "OMG weekends should be longer than 2 days!"
Nerd's comment: "Well technically if the weekends were longer than 2 days there would be a disruption in the quantum biosphere, thus creating an overlapping in the mechanical space-time continuum creating a nebula portal into the negative aerospace hjfddyiojgczfkfbnvchiovxxkz"
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Friend: "Have you ever just stopped and thought... 'I was once inside my dad's balls.'?"
Me: ".......................Not once have I ever thought that until you just said it...."
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My girlfriend dumped me becau()
()se of my obsession with Portal.
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My girlfriend dumped me because I make too many Linkin Park references.
But in the end... it doesn't even matter.
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I yelled "COW!" to a woman on a bike this morning.
She screamed back multiple curses right before she drove into the cow I just warned her about.
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Me: What's the difference between a toilet and a fridge?
Friend: What?
Me: You're disgusting.
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Apaprnelty hmoosxeulas aer brililnat at unscarbmlnig snetneces.
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Girls don't fart.
They fluff.
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To do list:
1) Go to a football game
2) Hold up a big sign that says "The guy behind me can't see"
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I saw a sign today that almost made me piss myself.
It said "Bathroom closed"
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You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.
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My girlfriend caught me looking at her friend's tits the other day.
GF: "HEY!! Quit staring! he's already self-conscious enough!"
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Here's a bit of advice: advi
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And here's another: another
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3AM text message.
"Hey are you asleep?"
"No I'm scuba diving... what the f*ck do you want?"
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1) Open fridge. Nothing to eat.
2) Open pantry. Nothing to eat.
3) Lower standards and repeat.
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Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step, it's like a high-five for your feet.
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Can you believe this guy, officer?
Committing suicide in my trunk without my permission... There should be some kind of law about this.
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When standing in line, I only hate the people in front of me. Everyone behind me is cool.
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I don't trip. I do random gravity checks.
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Q: I have 7 feet, 9 fingers, and 2 heads. What am I?
A: a liar.
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So I decided to leave work an hour early today...
You should have seen the co-pilot's face when I grabbed the parachute.
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I'm so bad at sexting...
GF: baby I'm wet.
Me: You need a paper towel?
GF: More than that babe...
Me: 2 paper towels?
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*while someone is telling a story*
Outside, I'm nodding and smiling enthusiastically.
In my head: 'omg. who. the. hell. cares.'
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Sleep is my drug.
Bed is the dealer.
Alarm is the cops.
School is jail.
Classmates are cell mates.
Teacher is the guard.
Principal is the warden.
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Boobs are like the sun... It's okay to look, but dangerous to stare.
...but that's what sunglasses are for.
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When your crush walks in the room, your friends look at you like <( ￣ U ￣ )>
And you're like \(*⊙_⊙)/ 'ACT NATURAL!'
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Shout out to my girlfriend who is currently in the hospital with a severe case of non-existence..
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What I do when I'm hungry:
( ) get up and get food
(x) moan like a dying whale until someone feeds me
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Me: Mom, where are you?
Mom: Just left Walmart. Halfway home. Why, sweetie?
Me: You brought me to Walmart with you.. -_-
Mom: Oh DARN, I'll be there in a bit..!
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You really have to hand it to the Patriots...
Because if you throw it to them, they will drop it.
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We all know at least 2 addresses:
1) our own
2) P Sherman 42 Wallaby Way Sydney
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Me: I hope you burn in hell!
Friend: I hope you step on a lego in the dark!
Me: *GASP* take that back!!! o_o
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Teacher: open your books to page 38.
*randomly opens book and lands on that page*
Me: By the bread of Zeus, I must be god.
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Why I walk funny:
10% - I injured my leg
90% - Trying to unstick my balls from my leg
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Girl: Hey, how are you?
Me: Fine. Just went to the gym.
Girl: Ooh~ How was it?
Me: It was good. I beat Brock using only my Charmander!
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Wanna laugh? Think of a person you hate, making a very angry face.
Now picture them furiously humping a pumpkin.
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NOW THAT is a GREAT looking tie!! Just.. WOW. I mean, SH*T. that's so nice! Seriously, that tie is f*cking PERFECT! ...I ran over your kid."
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CHALLENGE! Try not to grin while watching this video: [link]